“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.” -Ursula K. Le Guin

And this song.

And this one.

And this funny video.

And getting published in literary magazines.

What?

Last night, I took a mini road trip to Atlanta and performed at The Laughing Skull. I want to go back again and again. There’s video, which I’ll put on youtube. I’ve been afraid to. I’ve been afraid to do a lot concerning the internet lately (hence my blog silence) but I’m finished being scared. I’ve done a lot of standup instead. Mostly open mics around town, but a few group outings with comics in my mini-van.

Standup has made me feel brave and then not brave. Somewhat put back together again.

Anyway. Some Georgia Kindreds came to support me at the gig last night and that was incredible. Thanks to Lindsay, Christo, Regan, and (photo credits to) Michael.

“It’s great to be with friends.”

Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.

~ Simone Weil 

“If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”

~ Alexander Solzhenitsyn

“Though she be but little, she is fierce.” – William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 3, Scene 2

1. The sweet potato French fries at The Rare Martini in Birmingham, AL are all I will ever need in life. I want to put my face in them. If only the people sitting around me will avert their eyes. It isn’t lady like. (good thing I’m not a lady)
2. Cat Pee. It permeates into everything and lasts with the longevity of something sulpheric from Mordor. I love my cat, but when he pees on a pile of clothes, I want to drop kick the jerk face.
3. My mom is my most favorite person. So many people are afraid of becoming their mothers, but I’d sincerely consider it an honor if I turned out exactly like her. She’s taught me invaluable things about love, grace, and forgiveness.
4. Men Cry. They do. Don’t let them ever tell you they don’t.
5. I used to think being emotional and sensitive was a bad thing. It isn’t. I embrace and don’t let others make me feel bad for wearing my heart on…everything.
6. Love with a vulnerability.
7. No one makes ramyun better than a Korean on a mountain roadside. If you are ever in Korea and see a hut on the side of the road, GO. TO. THERE.
8. There is little better than a warm hug from an old friend.
9. The Starbucks off of Linebaugh and Anderson in Tampa, FL is one of my most favorite places in the world. Not because I super duper love Starbucks, but because I wrote novels there. And there’s a barista who looks like Jesus.
10. I will follow Joss Whedon and JJ Abrams to the end of the world and back. They should make a baby.
11. Eye crinkles are gorgeous. Endearing. To me, it means you spend all your time laughing.
12. Shoes make me happy.
13. I love the way art, music, and writing tear you apart and put you back together again.
14. The South gets a bad rep. I mean, it isn’t perfect, but it’s full of beautiful things and intelligent people. As someone who’s lived all over the world, I love it dearly
15. Pain makes people do and say horrible things. When we’re grieving and angry, sometimes it’s best just to be still and silent. Let it pass by.
16. Books > Jewelry.
17. Everything we buy here on earth is fire wood. We don’t take it with us when we go. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever buy high heels again, but, you know.
18. Sandboxes, swing sets, and zip lines. I still enjoy them.
19. We are all of us, broken people. Broken people with flawed lives and heart breaks. We’ll spend every day this side of heaven running into each other, and working our broken selves out.
20. I love alcohol.
21. There’s life and light on the other side nasty things.
22. Everyone should go to Chinhae, South Korea for the Cherry Blossom festival. You will see the rows, canopies, and mountain sides COVERED in white petals. Eat a box of roasted bugs while you’re there.
23. I love it when the sunrises. It’s like seeing hope return, watching the light chase away darkness.
24. La Ideal sandwich shop behind Raymond James stadium in Tampa, FL makes the best Cuban sandwiches ever. If you disagree with me, I will happily initiate a slap fight with you.
25. Legos hurt when you step on them. Like a lot.
26.  Sex is hilarious. Everyone should lighten up about it.
27. I kind of like how Halloween has become “National It’s Okay to Dress like a Slut Day.” Not saying I do it, just that it’s awesome and hilarious. Also, candy.
28. Everyone should go to the Dunkin Donuts off of 7^th Ave. in Birmingham, AL to experience the ray of sunshine that is the long haired girl working there. I mean, I’m a happy person, but she’s like “GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME TO DUNKIN DONUTS. WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING TODAY? WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING BAKED TO EAT? HUH? HUH? DO YA’? THANKS FOR COMING I LOVE YOU BYE BYE. HELLO AND WELCOME TO DUNKIN DONUTS…..”
29. Bamboo sucks.
30. My wine sweat brings all the boys to the yard.

And a friend sent me a link with the title “Weird things make me think of you.”

That’s going on my tombstone. Laugh at something weird today!

(Women hiding in front of men disguised as their beards and pants was the link)

If I were into breaking the law, I would be all over it. But I hate getting in trouble. Anyway. I have a new job, in which I drive all over the downtown area. I’ve seen a lot of people’s art.

I adore the idea of it. A person, leaving a portion of themselves out there for the world to find. Even more so when it is encouraging – sharing a love message with the world. Much better than sharing bad 80′s hair. Why am I out of Aqua Net?

Crinkly poodle hair says what?

I hope to leave uplifting things for everyone to find. My favorite poem is “When Death Comes” by Mary Oliver and the greatest lines (to me) are:

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

What do you want to leave behind?

She dug deep and tried again. “My ma told me that there isn’t anything in this life worth having that comes easy. She told me that every road I walk down’s gonna have a price. But what she didn’t tell me and what I learned since I’ve been here is that if you don’t choose the road you’re gonna walk, sooner or later someone else’ll do that choosing for you. Now maybe Myrtle’s right and there’s nothing wrong with being normal like everyone else. But the truth is that we aren’t like everyone else. We’re like the way the good Lord made us and wouldn’t that be a terrible thing to turn our backs on? I can’t promise you that everything on this road is gonna be okay ’cause sure enough every road I’ve ever been on has got a bend or two and a few hills and valleys besides. I do know this, though — I know that I was meant to fly and I’m not gonna walk out of here. I’m going to fly. And I know what road I belong on ’cause I feel it here.” Piper pointed to her heart. “So you gotta choose your road right now. And you’ll know which one it is ’cause you’ll feel it here too.”

If you haven’t read this book, I seriously suggest you do. It is full of goodness. I bought it to read to my children, but kept it at my bedside table to read ahead. Seriously, do it. Peer pressure. 

Later on, Piper says this to another student, who can’t seem to accept her forgiveness.

“Think you’re the only fool who ever made a mistake?” Piper looked at Conrad as if he was crazy. “Phhhh! Talk about delusions of grandeur. One mistake isn’t nothing. Heck I’ve made more than that before I even get up in the morning. Can’t learn nothing worth knowing without makin’ a few mistakes first!”

Oh…I like Piper. In short, bring me your freaks and gifts, your loners and misfit toys. YOU PEOPLE WHO AREN’T PERFECT AND MAKE MISTAKES. We should ALL OF US work harder at loving those for who they are and where they’re at.

I didn’t always feel this way.

In short, be who you are, treat others the way you want to be treated. GIVE the kind of GRACE you want to receive.

And read this book.

Broken and gnarled, but so beautiful.

“We love those who see the worst of us and don’t turn their faces away.” – Walker Percy

I dig that man and his words.

But what of those who do see the worst of us and want no part of who we are?

It’s one thing for a person to say, “I don’t find my worth and validation in other people’s opinions.” It’s a completely different thing to say, “I don’t care anything about what other people think.”

To be honest, I think it’s a little arrogant and self-absorbed to think the latter. The person puts themselves above all others, implying their opinions don’t matter. Ideally, I shouldn’t even care what I think about myself. My Judge and Jury are elsewhere.

There once was a woman, a painter. She’d been painting since she was a little girl. Like anyone who ever tries to be anything, she wasn’t great at first. The more she painted, the better she got. As a young woman, she explored different and darker themes. Painted things that some people found offensive, but they reflected a moment in her life. She explored the process. The offensive things received some recognition, but mostly she painted them to learn from it, and she moved on.

She grew and her work changed. Different people bought her work, displaying it around town. She was proud of what she’d accomplished and thankful for the process that brought her to that point. She realized you have to get all the ugly out  to find the beauty. So even the ugliness has value. Has importance. Ugliness and Beauty go hand in hand.  Even bad art days were part of the process. She wanted to go further. To grow and learn.

A few of those she worked with found her most offensive paintings. And they really were grotesque. They did not care for any of it. They did not ask her to explain. They did not want to understand. They did little to hide their anger and disgust. They asked her to leave. She felt worthless. Undeserving of love or grace. Beat down and shattered. She didn’t understand how they could look at the expanse of her art and only see the worst, most evil. There was so much they did not like, but she was so much more than the ugly, even though it was a part of her.

It broke her.

All she could do was hold a hand over her heart and cry out.

After a time, she picked her paint brush back up. Doing so, she was afraid. Like if she started to paint again, she would open herself back up to pain, to hurt, to disgust from others. But she was a painter. She pushed that vulnerability aside, knowing rejection might come again, and began to draw a single line across her canvass.

It started smooth and fine, but went jagged and wrong. Moments curved, making lovely shapes.  Breaks returned, but never in the same way twice.

It would be a long time before the line was finished, but the hurt and darkness in her heart eventually faded.

She felt hope again.

The Winter Wonders Anthology is available for pre-order. That’s…crazy. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I am in a book with other talented (READ: WAAAAAY BIGGER AND MORE ACCOMPLISHED THAN I AM) writers and you can order it off the internet with a mere CLICK OF THE CURSOR. You should click it. I did. It felt nice. Pre-order here.

I’ve had a few life changes in the past several weeks. My family is safe and healthy. We will be okay. I live by the school of thought that you put one foot in front of the other and you keep on going. Everything happens for a reason.

There’s certainly a time for grief and anger, but I don’t want to hang out there. Even in the worst of circumstances, there is always something to be thankful for. So I’m doing that a lot – listing things that are wonderful and lovely.

I want to find joy where I am, even while traveling through dark places. Some of you might think eternal optimism is annoying and a few of my friends have nicknamed me Suzy Sunshine. I’M PERFECTLY OKAY WITH THAT.  Would you like a hug? Here are a few of my joyful things:

1.) I do not have the nickname “Honey Badger.” (win)

2.) Battlestar Gallactica exists on Netflix. I can watch it whenever I want. So Say We All.

3.) My Husband Rocks. In every sense of the word. (wink)

4.) I have eyes that see, ears that hear, and legs that walk. Too often we take the very basic functions of life for granted.

5.) We own both of our family cars outright. They run. They get us from point A to point B. One even has an automatic door opening button thing. Fancy.

6.) My children do things that make me laugh every single day. I would like to think I make them happy too.

7.) The fall leaves are achingly beautiful right now. When I watch the way the setting sun filters through the gold, oranges, and reds, it is so breathtaking, so stunning, it makes me want to cry.

8.) There’s food in my pantry and refridgerator. Some of it tastes delicious and is really, really bad for me.

9.) I know how to read. It’s wonderful.

10.) My mind is fierce, my body is strong, and my heart is huge. This is not the end of me. There is something greater at work here. I don’t understand it right now, but it’s making me who I’m supposed to be. I’m still writing, still learning, still going. Watch.

What are you thankful for? I would love to hear.