February 20, 2012 § 6 Comments
That isn’t exactly true, but I wrote an advice column for the Ermas discussing how one shouldn’t woo him.
Jen asked, “How do I make Nathan Fillion come to his senses and love me?”
Timmy asked, “Where do Fairies come from? And why does mom call dad that?”
And lastly, my husband asked, “Why do you always sigh and roll your eyes when we watch Tango and Cash?”
If you’d like to read my responses and see pretty pictures, please go here for Advice from the Unqualified.
You’re all beautiful and deserve cake. Cake like this.
January 9, 2012 § 9 Comments
A few things for all you fine people and then you can get back to your finery. I have a post up at An Army of Ermas: How To Feel More Like Indiana Jones In Your Everyday Life. You may read it here. Maybe the following photo is involved in some capacity.
Updates on My Year of Scary Living because I’m very serious about living scary.
1. I started researching venues in my area where I might be able to do standup. There’s a whole world and process I’m ignorant to so educating myself on how to get a foot in the door is important.
2. I am writing the standup material and say it/work it out in my mind ALL THE TIME. This results in varying questions and thoughts: Will my parents care if I talk about them? Will my parents even come? Should I tell my parents I’m doing this? No, they really don’t need to know. I won’t tell them. This is a great idea. Maybe no one I know in real life should come? I’ll keep it a secret. No, if I bomb I’ll want someone to hold me afterward and that shouldn’t be some rando at the bar. Preferably. Well, if I’m crying hard enough I won’t care who’s holding me.
3. The guitar playing is still pretty scary and painful. My pinky finger SUCKS. It totally needs to shape up or I will WHOOP on it. I don’t know what the ring finger is laughing at. It’s right there behind the pinky finger. The entire hand cramps up and that’s just inconvenient. STUPID HANDS. I’m kidding. I love you, hands. Don’t leave me.
4. My 3yo went to school just fine. He didn’t cry and his teachers said he did great. Go him! I spent two glorious hours “at the office.”
5. I bought a navy peacoat. The buttons are shiny and fabulous. I’d like for everyone to call me “Sailor” from here on out. For those of you who don’t care that I’ve replaced my granny cardigan with a peacoat, I’m very sorry BUT THESE ARE MY FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
6. To add to my Year of Scary Living, the Stud and I are going Vegan for a while. He has a history of heart disease, high blood pressure and bad cholesterol in his (very immediate) family. He’s on medication for it some of the issues, but we’d like to achieve the healthiest of livings possible. We’ve done a lot of research and are planning on doing a 30 day challenge and see what we think afterward. It will be a food adventure of sorts. I say all this, but just last night while watching a documentary on ancient Rome, we shared a bag of chips and cheese dip.
Me: We’ll go Vegan tomorrow.
6. I think I’m done now.
7. I love you all.
October 3, 2011 § 16 Comments
Lovely blog readers, I’d like to direct you to a new link on the left side of the home page titled “Published Work.” After years of writing and submitting, I finally have a short story acceptance forthcoming in Quail Bell Magazine.
I am struck with moments of ”YIPPY SKIPPPY.”
And then I’m attacked with moments of “PEOPLE ARE GOING TO READ THIS. MY FICTION WILL BE PUBLISHED FOR THE WORLD TO SEE AND POSSIBLY HATE.” I break out into a cold sweat and begin to weep. Oh the gnashing and snarling. It isn’t pretty.
Until now, all the writing I’ve linked to is non-fiction/mommy humor variety (Like the ghost story I have up at An Army of Ermas now. ”Ghosts” are the theme of the month and I really don’t like ghost stories. Mama scares easy. Yes, I just referred to myself as “Mama”).
But with this short story acceptance, I MADE IT UP IN MY MIND, and people might hate what my mind made up. I wrote it two years ago for a competition I lost and it doesn’t even sound like me anymore. I can’t tell if that’s a good or a bad thing.
I want to do things that scare me, to tackle the unknown head on. I did that this weekend by way of going to my high school reunion. Might not sound that horrifying to you, but my senior year of high school was an interesting one – I was a new girl.
Fear. It was a fearful year in so many ways and for the reunion I was afraid no one would remember me and I would feel awkward or out-of-place, which is how I felt the majority of my senior year. But you know what? I had a wonderful time. People remembered me and were genuinely kind. My husband seemed to have a nice time too.
I’m going to keep doing things that scare me, to get over my fears, and myself. People might not like my short story, but I enjoyed the process. That’s good enough for me.
I know I’m not the only writer who is afraid. How do you all get over your fear and anxiety?
Also, if you’re afraid of clowns, I suggest you watch this to get over it. Yes.
August 9, 2011 § 14 Comments
Do you have a Stacey Graham in your life? Have you told her you loved her today? Have you thanked her for all the work she does? Wait. What? You don’t have a Stacey Graham in your life? Well…that’s lame.
Everybody needs to get themselves a Stacey. They should by her in bulk at Costco. But a higher end Costco because she’s fancy like that. I know what you’re all saying: “How much Stacey does one really need? I should buy her in bulk? Does this dress make me look fat?”
The answer: YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH STACEY. SHE EDITS YOUR STUFF. SHE RUNS THE ERMAS IN TIP TOP SHAPE. EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH MAKES JASON TUDOR GIGGLE LIKE A GIRLY MAN. STOCK UP AND PUT HER IN EVERY PANTRY YOU CAN FIND. AND THAT DRESS IS SUPER DUPER FLATTERING!
You must first load her into your buggy. Put her face in your hands (gently, she doesn’t like to be pulled), look deep into her eyes and say, “Thank you for sitting in my buggy. I hear you do beautiful things. The Ermas really seem to like you.”
And we do.
Then give her a snack to munch on while you do the rest of your shopping. She likes cheese.
When you get to the check out, grab some gum. After your Stacey is scanned, you might get a bit of sticker shock (she’s high class – no cheapo’s please), but you get a lot of bang for your buck (and no, that isn’t a euphamism for anything).
Thanks to Stacey for loving us and keeping us in line. She runs a great show at An Army of Ermas and has a few Non Fiction projects like THE GIRL’S GHOST HUNTING GUIDE and ZOMBIE TAROT out in 2012. I am overwhelmed by all that she does and all that she GIVES of herself.
If you’d like to read other Stacey love letters, some of the other Ermas have them up on their blogs. Click the magical bold names below. *waves hand*
August 1, 2011 § 6 Comments
Hey. How’s it going? It’s been a while. LOVE what you’ve done with your hair.
We moved and are doing great. A little scattered, but happy. I have a couple of things to talk about and then will let you be on your way. The good folks up at An Army of Erma’s let me write a little something about Back to School Shopping for them. You can read it here if you have the time.
We went peach picking and found this lovely treasure. Some creature nibbled out the most perfect heart shape and I had to share it.
To add to our mahem, we got a cat. We promised the kids a cat “after the move” and one presented itself. He’s proving to be a great family cat.
Since leaving Florida, I’ve noticed a craving for water – the natural kind. This desire refuses to leave me alone and we’ve found some beautiful moments at local creeks, lakes, and rivers.
On the writing front, I’m doing more of it! The months leading up to the move haven’t produced much in that area, but now that we’re (a little) settled, I’m back into a (albeit small) writing routine and this makes me happy.
That’s it for me and I hope you’re all well and happy. I’ve missed your faces!